As If You Were
It only occured to me today on the way home from work that this was not only weird, but irritating. We had a family mid-year Christmas/Easter/Mother's Day/Brother's birthday thing on Saturday night. Which is fine, we'd not all been together for almost two years. That wasn't the weird bit. Now, when I left Melbourne, I'd not bought anything for my stepdad, cos he's a dickhead, but when I got to my sister's place and saw all the presents laid out for everyone, I decided that this wasn't a time to make a scene, and I should just suck it up and get him something. I went for a bottle of wine, safe, boring, but something that he would enjoy. Anyway, I noticed at the end of the gift-swapping that he hadn't got me anything, which I found pleasing and quite funny. Like I said, he's a dickhead, and I'd just out-civilised him. Haha. Anyway, this is where it gets odd. I was sitting with Mum the next day and he comes in and says 'Sorry I didn't buy you anything. I was going to get you an MP3 player but then your Mum said you already had one.' And I'm like, WTF? Then he starts joking on about how I shouldn't have been wasting my money on such things when I was meant to be saving for my holiday. And I'm still, like, WTF? This guy has done nothing but whinge about how lazy I am, and how he doesn't work to support me, and how ungrateful a child I've been, for my entire life, and now he's all... trying to buy me a fucking iPod. What the hell? I hate this guy, he doesn't like me, we aren't even nice to each other, and yet, I leave, don't talk to him for 15 months and he's suddenly hugging me and talking about buying me expensive presents. I don't get it. I really don't. It's like... like he's trying to buy my affection or something. Or make me miss him. I could never ever miss him, ever. Not seeing him has been the best bit of being in this country. I'm serious, not having to deal with him is beautiful. A dream come true. So, yeah, I'm stumped. He's a fucking fruitcake.
So, the irritating bit. I realised that I would get more pleasure out of not accepting this hypothetical iPod, than I would from having it. I would rather, I shit you not, tell him I don't want it, and give it back to him, than keep it. I could, in theory, hold on to it until my current iPod dies, which it will one day. I could give to a friend, I could sell it on ebay - whatever. But none of that is as cool as the thought of telling him that I don't want his gifts. Of him being so proud because he thinks he bought me something cool, and me getting the opportunity to shrug and tell him I don't need it. What I wouldn't do to see the look on his face. Yeah, so that irritates me. It makes me feel childish and spiteful, and it bothers me that I'd give away something on principal, rather than shut up, says thank you like I mean it, and then sell it, thus contributing to my holiday fund. And it got me thinking about how far I'd go. At what point would I want the gift more than my dignity? What do I want right now? What do I want that he could give me at some point in the near future? What is a feasible gift he may fell the need to bestow upon me?
Airplane tickets. Yeah, I know it sounds like a long shot, but they're actually about to sell their house for A LOT of money, and it's a well known fact I'm intending to go to the UK sometime in the next year. It wouldn't surprise me if he, or perhaps him and Mum as a unit, decided to buy me a ticket. But it does surprise me that I wouldn't want him to. From Mum, I could take it, she's my mother, she loves me, she would want to do it, as I would want to do it for her if the tables were turned. But if my stepfather turned up on my doorstep with a round the world ticket in his hand and expected me to like it, well, fuck, I'd have to say I'd be more inclined to rip into into tiny pieces than anything else. It would be a royally stupid thing to do, in some respects, but in others, I can understand why I feel like that. I don't want to get there on charity, I want to work for it. I don't want to be indebted to him. I don't want him to feel any pleasure from anything he has done for me. I don't want his friends thinking he's a great guy for doing it. I want them to be shocked when they find out he tried to give me tickets and I shut the door in his face. I basically want him to see just how little I like him. I want him to see what I think of him, so I never have to say it. The words 'I hate you' just don't mean anything anymore, but no one can ignore the absolute refusal of expensive gifts.
I still feel petty and immature, but I don't really care that much. If my other option is giving him a hug and telling him he's the best stepdad ever, well, there's no contest...
So, the irritating bit. I realised that I would get more pleasure out of not accepting this hypothetical iPod, than I would from having it. I would rather, I shit you not, tell him I don't want it, and give it back to him, than keep it. I could, in theory, hold on to it until my current iPod dies, which it will one day. I could give to a friend, I could sell it on ebay - whatever. But none of that is as cool as the thought of telling him that I don't want his gifts. Of him being so proud because he thinks he bought me something cool, and me getting the opportunity to shrug and tell him I don't need it. What I wouldn't do to see the look on his face. Yeah, so that irritates me. It makes me feel childish and spiteful, and it bothers me that I'd give away something on principal, rather than shut up, says thank you like I mean it, and then sell it, thus contributing to my holiday fund. And it got me thinking about how far I'd go. At what point would I want the gift more than my dignity? What do I want right now? What do I want that he could give me at some point in the near future? What is a feasible gift he may fell the need to bestow upon me?
Airplane tickets. Yeah, I know it sounds like a long shot, but they're actually about to sell their house for A LOT of money, and it's a well known fact I'm intending to go to the UK sometime in the next year. It wouldn't surprise me if he, or perhaps him and Mum as a unit, decided to buy me a ticket. But it does surprise me that I wouldn't want him to. From Mum, I could take it, she's my mother, she loves me, she would want to do it, as I would want to do it for her if the tables were turned. But if my stepfather turned up on my doorstep with a round the world ticket in his hand and expected me to like it, well, fuck, I'd have to say I'd be more inclined to rip into into tiny pieces than anything else. It would be a royally stupid thing to do, in some respects, but in others, I can understand why I feel like that. I don't want to get there on charity, I want to work for it. I don't want to be indebted to him. I don't want him to feel any pleasure from anything he has done for me. I don't want his friends thinking he's a great guy for doing it. I want them to be shocked when they find out he tried to give me tickets and I shut the door in his face. I basically want him to see just how little I like him. I want him to see what I think of him, so I never have to say it. The words 'I hate you' just don't mean anything anymore, but no one can ignore the absolute refusal of expensive gifts.
I still feel petty and immature, but I don't really care that much. If my other option is giving him a hug and telling him he's the best stepdad ever, well, there's no contest...
posted by Leocadia at 4:40 PM
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