Homeless and generally fucked

Hey, so, um. Well. Oh holy crap, basically. Everything is such a mess right now, I think my fairy godmother is bi-polar. Work was okay today, hectic, and Richard is continuing to make my life difficult by cocking things up, but at least Glen was back at work today, so I had a pleasant lunch hour. Sigh. I'm tired. Going to bed before I have to watch one more second of Dawson's Creek.


hot: Adam Brody, and the Creffields delivery guy.
not: 1990's teen tv shows
mood: Blind-sided
goals: Get to the bottom of the baileys bottle


PS Goal accomplished : )

It's getting hot in here

No relevance in the title, I hate titling things these days, used to love it, it just IS really hot in here.

Golly, my moisturiser smells gooooood. Pomegranate 'flavoured'. I wanna eat my elbows now. Anyway.

Lucy just texted me and asked if I would make a shirt for the guy she was having an affair with, and I almost laughed. It surprised me, both that she did ask and that I immediately thought 'No fucking way'. I thought I would be open to all requests, and be stoked people wanting anything from me, but apparently not (I have standards?). Of course, when I told her politely 'I'd rather not', she replyed with 'I didn't expect you'd want to, but he wanted me to ask'. Which is just fucking typical. Her knowing me better than I know myself, that is. It baffles me. But you gotta love it.

Work is getting stupid, things not being done, admin-wise. I fucking hate it. Still, it's better now than it was before, at least I don't feel like I'm about to get fired any second. Sigh. I wish I could go work for Love Police and never have to think about that place again...

Music: Gomez on Morning Becomes Eclectic 06 & 98
Mood: Meh
Goal for tomorrow : Post Sara's Christmas present, and Tea's package, and find Chamboo's... it's so totally around here somewhere, I swear. Oh, and finish Jefe's birthday present.
Word of the day: Chocolate
Stuck in my Head: Zombie bassline again.

Seasonal woe

Just finished watching season two of Six Feet Under, it's good, but I dunno if I'll bother with season three. Maybe if I get really bored. I love/hate shows that make me cry. Movies I can handle, tv not so much. Commercials are worse, I've cried at them before, and I felt like such a sad sack. But at the same time, you gotta respect the dude that made it that evocative.

I have little fantasies about studio space. Having and using it, being in it. It's a consuming want. I guess I should look into it. But then, to what end? I kinda want a one bedroom studio apartment... but that's more likely a future thing. I don't think I could afford that around these parts. It would be nice to just have a little space of my own. Other than my room, of course (which is still a horrendous mess). I don't know what to do in regard to moving, since Zoe has bailed til September, and I said I'd be gone way before then. I feel like I'm overstaying here, even though I do actually live here, and I don't like that feeling. I want to move onward, but circumstance seems to not want to cooperate. Typical.

I'm almost finished Jeff's birthday present, will be done tonight I think. Then I can potter about with Jason's shirt. THE CAT. I like it, and the Black-eyed dog is cool too. Still the wolf takes the cake for the most tv appearances... bless your little cotton socks, Mr Ball. It's got to the point where everyone else is more excited than me, which is really nice, I feel very well supported in my creative endeavours, but I still kinda wish that if Amy was going to mention it, she could have been a tiny bit more subtle? ; ) I think it's a little... unwarrented, for people to keep squealing 'you're famous', when I am not, and quite enjoy that fact. Sure, the wolf is getting out and about, and I like that it's liked, but at the end of the day, it's really not that big a deal. There were two people in the same place at he same time, and one of them gave the other something that was kinda cool. In response to the many things he had made available to her which were also quite nifty.

sigh. It's raining, I'm going to go for a walk.

Coolest thing ever

It's been a few days, I've tried to stay calm about it. Still, it would be silly to not point out how cool this is:













^ I made that shirt. Well, I embellished upon it, the tshirt itself was probably crafted by a child slave somewhere in China... props to you, kid, those were some good seams.

I'm keeping in mind that he may have just run outta clothes and it was sitting in the bottom of his suitcase still. But only because Siobhan is a bitch and put the thought in my head ; )

As If You Were

It only occured to me today on the way home from work that this was not only weird, but irritating. We had a family mid-year Christmas/Easter/Mother's Day/Brother's birthday thing on Saturday night. Which is fine, we'd not all been together for almost two years. That wasn't the weird bit. Now, when I left Melbourne, I'd not bought anything for my stepdad, cos he's a dickhead, but when I got to my sister's place and saw all the presents laid out for everyone, I decided that this wasn't a time to make a scene, and I should just suck it up and get him something. I went for a bottle of wine, safe, boring, but something that he would enjoy. Anyway, I noticed at the end of the gift-swapping that he hadn't got me anything, which I found pleasing and quite funny. Like I said, he's a dickhead, and I'd just out-civilised him. Haha. Anyway, this is where it gets odd. I was sitting with Mum the next day and he comes in and says 'Sorry I didn't buy you anything. I was going to get you an MP3 player but then your Mum said you already had one.' And I'm like, WTF? Then he starts joking on about how I shouldn't have been wasting my money on such things when I was meant to be saving for my holiday. And I'm still, like, WTF? This guy has done nothing but whinge about how lazy I am, and how he doesn't work to support me, and how ungrateful a child I've been, for my entire life, and now he's all... trying to buy me a fucking iPod. What the hell? I hate this guy, he doesn't like me, we aren't even nice to each other, and yet, I leave, don't talk to him for 15 months and he's suddenly hugging me and talking about buying me expensive presents. I don't get it. I really don't. It's like... like he's trying to buy my affection or something. Or make me miss him. I could never ever miss him, ever. Not seeing him has been the best bit of being in this country. I'm serious, not having to deal with him is beautiful. A dream come true. So, yeah, I'm stumped. He's a fucking fruitcake.

So, the irritating bit. I realised that I would get more pleasure out of not accepting this hypothetical iPod, than I would from having it. I would rather, I shit you not, tell him I don't want it, and give it back to him, than keep it. I could, in theory, hold on to it until my current iPod dies, which it will one day. I could give to a friend, I could sell it on ebay - whatever. But none of that is as cool as the thought of telling him that I don't want his gifts. Of him being so proud because he thinks he bought me something cool, and me getting the opportunity to shrug and tell him I don't need it. What I wouldn't do to see the look on his face. Yeah, so that irritates me. It makes me feel childish and spiteful, and it bothers me that I'd give away something on principal, rather than shut up, says thank you like I mean it, and then sell it, thus contributing to my holiday fund. And it got me thinking about how far I'd go. At what point would I want the gift more than my dignity? What do I want right now? What do I want that he could give me at some point in the near future? What is a feasible gift he may fell the need to bestow upon me?

Airplane tickets. Yeah, I know it sounds like a long shot, but they're actually about to sell their house for A LOT of money, and it's a well known fact I'm intending to go to the UK sometime in the next year. It wouldn't surprise me if he, or perhaps him and Mum as a unit, decided to buy me a ticket. But it does surprise me that I wouldn't want him to. From Mum, I could take it, she's my mother, she loves me, she would want to do it, as I would want to do it for her if the tables were turned. But if my stepfather turned up on my doorstep with a round the world ticket in his hand and expected me to like it, well, fuck, I'd have to say I'd be more inclined to rip into into tiny pieces than anything else. It would be a royally stupid thing to do, in some respects, but in others, I can understand why I feel like that. I don't want to get there on charity, I want to work for it. I don't want to be indebted to him. I don't want him to feel any pleasure from anything he has done for me. I don't want his friends thinking he's a great guy for doing it. I want them to be shocked when they find out he tried to give me tickets and I shut the door in his face. I basically want him to see just how little I like him. I want him to see what I think of him, so I never have to say it. The words 'I hate you' just don't mean anything anymore, but no one can ignore the absolute refusal of expensive gifts.

I still feel petty and immature, but I don't really care that much. If my other option is giving him a hug and telling him he's the best stepdad ever, well, there's no contest...

Jetstar Flight 385 from Coolangatta to Tullamarine, about an hour in, and 14 songs in to Ian’s April 3rd NSC show. All his many talents and he can’t whistle. Bless him.

It’s been a hell of a weekend. Me and Amy had good times in Vegas, I think I spent about a hundred dollars on new music. Unless you count Mike’s birthday spresent, which cranks it to $140. I got (in chronological order) Abandoned Shopping Trolley Hotline on RECORD. Which is so much sexier. It’s my fifth copy of that album, I keep destroying or losing them. This one I’ll be extra careful of. Because it’s so HOT. Purr. Then I got... uh, oh yeah, rocking horse. I got I Am Kloot - Natural History, and Supertramp - Retrospectacle (Damn you, Ian). Then we went to HMV and I got Fur Patrol - Collider, which could well be crap, but it was only $5 and I loved Starlifter (which I lost, dammit). Then we went to some other random store and I picked up Wilco - A Ghost is Born with a Special Bonus Disc, and another copy of Bring It On for Mike (he likes it, but skipped T Lady the second time he listened to it. Like a pro.) Then we went to JB and I got him Ca Ira by Roger Waters. He liked me after all that. They have another kid now, and no money for such luxuries as new CDs. It makes me not want kids. Actually, their family in general makes me not want kids. Just for the noise factor, if not for anything else. And the nasty poopy, pissy, spewy stuff. I care not for other people’s by-products. Even my own spawn would be pushing it. And five year olds are just about the least hygenic things in the world. I made a quiet point of washing my hands every time they touched me, which may have been taking it a bit far, but fuck it, I’m allowed to be grossed out if I wanna be. To top it all off, the cat is on again off again diabetic (as well as having dandruff) and had an insulin induced seizure and all her sphincters gave up on her and she soiled herself and surrounding bedstuffs. Nasty stuff.

“Ben wants to see his people”

I have been having good tshirt ideas of late, I’m keen to get sorted in a new flat and gather some screenprinting stuff. And stop watching tv, and start making things in my home time....


Several hours later:

Look what was waiting for me on my doorstep!



Nice stuff, thanks Love Police. xxx

Emma -->

She's asleep, bless her little cotton socks. But she has to get up at 5.15am, so fair enough. Im so tired. QLD in three days.

You know when you just Need someone who gets you? Understands your nuances, your point of view? Someone you can freely respect and love because you know them well enough to not fear there are horrid things they're hiding from you? A friend who actually means something to you? Yeah, that's her there --> Cuddled up in my pjs. She's kept me sane this past year, and has shown revolutionary kindness. I cannot imagine a better person to have around right now. She's an absolute gem.

What are you trying to say?

Fuck, why can't they just say, 'Camilla is a bitch, she makes me angry and that makes me look like an ill-tempered person, which decreases my chances of winning, because the public will think I'm a bitch.' It's not that hard, housemates. You're all a bit daft.

I still haven't bought How We Operate. I'm a horrible excuse for a fan. Sorry guys.

Daily Plug: Trident Mee Goreng Noodles. Oh fucking yeah.

Deletion

I have begun to wonder if the words 'comment deleted by author' mean that the author of the comment has deleted them, or the auther of the blog has deleted them... Im gonna test it. I bought a couch today, btw. It's plaid.